february 3 2024

This is so dark but I have to write about it.

I have a waking dream that I fake my own death. In my dream, I had a plan. 

First, I wrote a letter, a manifesto of sorts. It was addressed to “the haters, the bitches, the men i’ve loved and all those who have yet to betray me.” I scheduled it to post on this website at a certain hour, very early in the morning.

Second, I withdrew all the money in my accounts and asked for large bills. I left behind anything I couldn’t take out. I changed my number. I cut my hair. 

Third, I packed a bag. Two shirts. Two pants. A skirt. My running shoes. A black pencil liner and the Milk Makeup Lip + Cheek Cream Blush Stick in the colour Quickie. My passport.

Then I made my way to a train station. There were a million people there. I stood at the edge of the platform and waited. The sun was shining into the building. A few rays hit the side of my face. I saw the train approaching  and once I was sure it couldn’t stop, I split myself in two. The first me jumped. The second me looked away. There was a loud noise and a lot of commotion. People rushed past and all around me. I never saw the body but I knew she was dead. Someone far away started crying. I turned and left the station and boarded a flight to Australia. I closed my eyes on the plane and didn’t open them until well after we landed. When I did, I saw that I was now on a beach. I stepped into the ocean.

I’m always thinking about dying. No suicidal vibes but I mean, in a Jungian kind of way. Everything dies all the time. Including and especially ourselves. Marion Woodman said she thought that suffering was in direct relation to joy. The more you allow yourself to suffer, the more joy you can experience. I think I’ve died ten thousand times in this life so far. And I can say in all honesty that I’ve had one, maybe two, really good years. I don’t know how long I’ll live. I can’t imagine myself old but then again, I couldn’t imagine making it past 23 and here we are.

I’m not depressed, I promise. I’m just a romantic.

I love life, I do.