march 21 2024

We’re in LA and I’m sick as fuck. I wake up at 8AM, somehow stumble through a zoom therapy session and then I take a shower to try to calm my stomach down. I think I caught something on our last day in Mexico from eating at the Chili’s in the airport. Fuck. TMI but I throw up mint-tea flavoured water and spend an hour in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet. My boyfriend rubs my back as I splay out on the hotel bed. I eat nothing all day. I’m purging - literally and metaphorically.

I tend to have an “episode” every time eclipse season rolls around. This year, the first one is a lunar eclipse on March 25th 2024 at 5 degrees of Libra. This eclipse is trine Pluto and making a loose opposition to Neptune. Its shadow looms, a portal opens, I heave into the toilet again.

It’s easy to talk about sacrifice in the abstract. I know that it is holy and necessary and I know that I have to “let go” of in order to “make space” and “move on” but what does that really mean? Eclipses on the south node are always about some kind of death, an integration of the absurd and profane. That is what letting go really means - to die. We must die unto life as we know it in order to be born, in order to live again. And I want to live more. I want to scream and cry and love and hate and laugh so hard I pee my pants. I want to make a bajillion dollars, I want to see the world. I want to get married and have children. I want my songs to traverse the unknown galaxy. I want to know true friendship and true love. I want to become myself. I want so many things. And each requires a death, a sacrifice, a letting go.

My nails are pointy and so sharp and they dig into everything and everyone I love so deeply that sometimes I think I won’t be able to do it, sometimes I think I’ll fucking die. But like I said, I want to live, desperately so. And so I know I have to die. I know I have to release whatever it is I think I want.

And you do too. It is difficult and bittersweet but I know you can do it.