march 5 2024
Here are some things I know about myself:
1. I only want to go to the club when I’m ovulating. It’s Saturday night and we get ready at Meg’s house. We sip green tea and chirp and talk shit and trill about life lately. An abstract feeling of being 20 years old again floats through me. Maria texts me and tells me that the air smelled different today, that it smells like spring. I try to convince Meg to wear her shortest skirt. Selena tells us a crazy story about [redacted]. We hop in the Uber and arrive at the venue early. There’s not that many people there yet so it’s the perfect time to let loose. I’m wearing a tight all black leather skirt look with lacy knee-highs, pointy-toed black leather pumps and to the lucky people who watch me bend over, my bright red lace g-string. A little panty-peek is always chic. I shake my ass and flip my hair and throw my hands up with abandon. I meditate on the dance floor. I think about how it always feels like winter will never end, until it does. I think about the woman I am becoming and all that I have been through. Everyone suffers and only God knows the details. Yes, indeed, only God knows.
2. I have a deep sensitivity that borders on psychic ability. A friend sends me a private link to his new album and I believe in music again. It’s Sunday and the air is warm as I walk to and from pilates. I’m bopping my head and skipping the cracks in the pavement. I’m wearing my spring jacket. People and their dogs litter the sidewalks. Babies in strollers stare, wide-eyed, as we pass by each other. In my head, I tell them they are special and wanted and necessary to the fabric of the universe. They know my negative thoughts only come around when it’s cold outside or raining. They can feel a true heart radiate because they’re so close to god so when they babble and wave, I know that they just get it. I walk home. I lay on the floor in the living room. I put on my friend’s album again and feel wave after wave of good feeling wash over me. I see the next 10 years stretch out behind my eyelids. There will be tears and laughter and tension and release and biting and kissing and screaming and so much to do. Contentment is better than any drug and believe me, I know what I’m talking about.
3. I am a fortress of a human being. It’s Tuesday and my lover and I are flying over a great Gulf. I have a show in Mexico City. I’ve been getting take-off anxiety ever since November so I close my eyes tight and try not to puke. I still hold so much affection for almost all the people I’ve ever loved but Frank Herbert is right, fear is the little death. You can’t hold anything too close or else you’ll kill the sweetness. You also can’t hold anything too far or else the whole thing dies on its own. There is a balance to loving and I’ve been swinging that scale around like a maniac my whole life. Turbulence hits and I don’t look out the window. My lover puts his hand in my lap and I take it. The kid sitting in the row behind me exclaims to his brother, “this is crazy!” I know I’ve created moats within myself for my friends and enemies alike but I was bad at telling the difference and I needed a way to survive. The war is over. There is peace in the land. I think I’ll write a song about it.
