november 18 2024

blood flows down my thigh and into pools of water at my feet. I watch it get filtered into a steady stream of clear nothing as it swirls down the drain. having your period is like taking drugs - you become both manic depressive turbo bitch and divine feminine Delphic goddess all in one. I’m cramping and cranky. I’m moody and not moving. I’m shedding all these false layers and unearned desires. I’m laying on the couch for five hours straight.

my shower water is hot and scalding. there is steam rising from the skin on my arms. steam in the air. steam in my lungs. I flex my fingers under rain and think of the age old question: what the hell is my problem? I want to be a serious woman. I want to be evil. serious, evil women don’t cry when they’re alone or have PMDD or succumb to the bad thoughts. is this true? does it matter? I stand under the stream and let the hot water run all over me - my face, my neck, my breasts, my bellybutton, the top of my skull and around my ankles too. it warms me up from the outside and almost in.

I open my mouth and don’t swallow. I tell no one anything then get sad about it all the time. to be known but also not. is that too much for a girl to ask for? all I need in this life of sin and suffering is 400 billion dollars and a beautiful white boy to suck on my tits. I have one but not the other. is that really too much to ask for? I don’t think so.

I twist and turn and shut off the shower. I’m standing in the bathtub, naked and dripping and silent. there is the sound of life coming from outside the windows. a bright red dot between my toes.