november 22 2023

In my dream last night, I saw the 3 of cups. A woman handed them to me. I kept looking around instead of focusing on her. I remember her scaly, weathered finger pointing at the card incessantly, urging me to pay attention. I finally looked at it and then I burst into heavy tears. I wake up. 

I go to pilates today. The room is tinged with coldness. I do my workout and then leave abruptly after. I always think about talking to someone from class. It shouldn’t be a big deal because once I took a test and it told me I am an ENTP or ENFP. I think I’m carrying around a lot of anger.

Later, in the evening, I get into a fight with my boyfriend. It was something he said, the tone of it. I cry in the bathroom. He makes us dinner. I am afraid of all the things you can be afraid of.

I feel like I am in a daze these days. I don’t know what’s happening but I keep seeing the number 555 everywhere. It makes me feel schizzzed out but it’s also strangely comforting. I have this calmness in the center of my chest, this one small zen spot. I think it is where I’ve simply given up. In that space, I don’t want to fight life, I simply let whatever happens happen.