november 25 2024

I’m feeling better now so I hold my breath and don’t move a muscle. I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want time to start ticking and my hormones to start bitching and this voice in my head to get any louder.

The sun keeps hiding behind these clouds but today is a good day because I am saying so. The power of manifestation and all that.

There is: pilates. green grapes. a photoshoot. a million and one meetings. lunch and une petite café avec maria. cold walks on college street. a cybertruck parked outside the nail salon. my lover’s spit in my mouth. wool socks. baby plants. amazon delivery. blood work. iron and magnesium tablets. a new manager. books in the mail. and life goes on.

As I’m reading the new John Doe book, my boyfriend asks me what it’s about.

“Life and pain and love and loss.” I tell him.

He shakes his head and plants a kiss between my eyebrows.

“Let’s find you something else to read.” he says.

He’s right, of course. Virgos, smh.

But I don’t know how to consume anything else. I have a naturally melancholic disposition and I think that happiness is an emotion that needs to be investigated before you can trust it. Not to be on my Simone Weil but I really do think that suffering is the one truth. And I really do believe that there is beauty in it and so therefore, Good must be there too.

But today is a good day so I put down the book and turn on the lights and do a load of laundry. I’m humming the melody to “Beef FloMix” by Flo Milli.

I’m feeling better now.