november 5 2023

I’m in a basement green room in Berlin and the lights are all red. It’s raining and freezing outside. I’m on in 15 minutes. Every time someone asks me my sign I tell them “I’m a Sagittarius” but the part I leave out is that my chart is flooded in water - I have a 6 placement stellium and 4 planets in Scorpio. I don’t know anyone else like me. That could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the light in the room. The lights in this room are all red and I have a headache and bad cramps. It feels illegal to have to perform while I’m on my period but that’s the deal with being a woman. Endless chtonic power and in return - a little blood.

Ben says he thinks I’m an emotional person but that I keep it all wrapped up inside. And he’s right, I do. I only want to be naked for art’s sake. Anything else is naive and masochistic. I look down on weakness in myself and in others.

After the show, we stop at a Lebanese restaurant in Kollwitzkiez. Ben orders a plate of fries. I order the chicken shawarma wrap. We talk about war and the weight of the world and he tells me what he would do if he ran everything. I’m starving. I don’t think it’s normal to see so much death and suffering as a casual endless scroll everyday but what can we do? The human condition demands to be witnessed - innocence and evil must be seen. 

It is Sunday and I think about the first time I was ever in Berlin, the time I met that silly, beautiful boy with the tattoos all over his body and spent 16 hours in Berghain. I tell that story in interviews sometimes. Everything is a lifetime ago. I sigh in relief.