july 2 2024

I had to do something really hard last week and I survived it. I don’t know what I thought would happen but I didn’t die. Not physically, anyway.

I opened my mouth and only a singular sound came out - a word.

“I.”

And that’s all there was to say. I’ve been here before, as usual, but this time it is happening from within. I saw a vision - of light splitting from darkness, of a formidable expanse in the middle of everything. And at the end of it all, there I was - turning, changing, mutable thing.

Life is about the fluctuation. You should have at least a dozen quarter life crises under your belt by the time you turn 30 if you want to keep your wits about you. There is no present moment. Only the future. Only the past. We move through spacetime in the shape of a sphere. The point is to come back to ourselves.

The body appears like one, stable thing and this tricks us into extrapolating its perceived solidity to the rest of our existence. But you are only flesh - squishy, tearing, viscous, volatile. And this is your only life. You have to love it to live it.

Last week, I hung up the phone and cried for an hour. Afterwards, I felt cleansed, ready, free.