july 7 2024

I’ll be honest.

Because of my job, I meet a lot of people all the time. And the one conclusion I can always draw is that people are crazy. If it’s not one thing, it’s another - every time and without fail.

I’m spiraling a bit, maybe.

We’re flying to Calgary and I think the drugs aren’t working as well anymore. I don’t want to take any more but I can feel my stomach lurch and there’s too many things I have to do. I can’t say why or how yet but I’m on my own for the first time in 6 years. I wanted this so bad and now that I have it, it tastes like brine and a kind of freedom. I lick my lips.

Is fear of success a real thing? I want to ask my therapist but I don’t see her anymore. In a waking dream, I was told that I have to parse out this phase of my life by myself. I’ve never been afraid to stand alone but I have always needed other people. Quite achingly at times. But I don’t deny myself of this anymore. I take pleasure in my need for others, I bask in togetherness whenever I get the chance. I think my therapist would be happy for me.

I look out of the plane window and there’s the deep blue beneath us - a great lake.

Life just goes on and on and on and on. Thank God.